"To my friend, Morgan Freeman's voice"

Today is the last day of classes. (Sigh of relief!) I am pleased to report that my Public Speaking students finished off the semester in flames of glory. They gave special occasion speeches today, and they were HOT. I have never enjoyed watching a day of speeches so much. Normally I hear a lot of wedding toasts and generic commencement speeches during this unit, but apparently it is a good idea to follow up two lessons on communication and creativity with these fun speeches. Topics included:

-A lifetime achievement award presented to Morgan Freeman's voice.

-An acceptance speech of the prestigious rank of Order of Merlin, 1st class, especially thanking Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (complete with a witch's costume, a wand, and a cape that was flourished to emphasize points)

-An acceptance speech for Supervillain of the Year (complete with makeup for Batman's nemesis, Two Face)

-An introduction of Miss Navajo Nation 2014

-A eulogy for Pat Tillman

-A toast in the form of a letter to a father who died 1 year ago today

I cried through the last speech. Since my dad was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago I have had a deep seated fear of losing one or both of my parents at any early age. This young lady is 19 years old and was brave enough to share a number of sweet memories of her father. This was a wonderful way to close a semester of fairly dry speeches. My belief in the creative capacity of Generation "Me" is temporarily restored!

It's not just my students...

Today's posting is from the content of a friend's Facebook.

She received this email today:

Hi Ms. B------, I was looking at my grade in com 100 and I did the 2 point EC survey and I won the Jeopardy so thats another point. I have a 68% but that is without the 3 extra points so i was wondering if i have a 71% in the class no matter what i get on the next test or not? if u could email me back that would be great so I can clarify my grade. Thanks

She posted the following:

This is an email I just received and there are a couple hilarious points. 1) I don't teach com 100. 2) This student is not now and has never been in any of my classes...

Something tell me he/she doesn't deserve the C.

Couples Therapy

I asked for creativity on a recent paper from my class. After having graded 100 of these papers and with 3 more to go, I got to the best one of the batch: a counseling session hosted by my student between Superman and Wonder Woman. The student cleverly paints Superman as an insecure and codependent geek and Wonder Woman as an overly independent and dismissive femme fatale. Here are a few excerpts:

Walking into his office, Bryan sees an incredibly fit woman wearing not much more than a golden tiara, gauntlets, and a red and blue spandex unitard. She is sitting in one of the two chairs opposite Bryan’s at his desk. She is looking over her shoulder and towards the corner, facing away from Mr. Man. He is a very large, muscular gentleman who also happens to be wearing red and blue spandex along with a large red cape. He is standing at the window, looking out. As he hears Bryan enter he turns around revealing a large S on his chest.

Mr. Man: Hello, my name is Superman, and this is my gir-

Woman: I can introduce myself. I’m Wonder Woman.

BB: Superman, please have a seat. What seems to be the problem?

Superman: Wonder Woman never listens to me. She never really seems to care about what I’m saying or what I’m feeling. She says she does, and she says she wants to be with me, but I-

Wonder Woman: You’re making a big deal out of nothing…

Superman: She never says ‘I love you’ and never listens to me.

BB: Yes, you mentioned that…

Superman: And she’s always so passive aggressive when we have arguments! I remember one time, we couldn’t agree on how to dispose of a giant, evil, atomic android, and when we got home she just started googling kryptonite, KNOWING I’d walk by!

Wonder Woman: Well you just HAD to have things your way with the robot- you couldn’t just let me deal with it on my own!

Superman: And you talk too fast!

Wonder Woman: I don’t talk too fast, you think too slowly!

At this point, Superman’s eyes are glowing red, Wonder Woman’s grip on the couch is ripping the fabric, and an inexplicable wind is violently spinning around the room, tossing papers and desk supplies to the different corners of the office.

"I love agreeing with people."

Every Tuesday and Thursday at 7:30am I see the bleary eyed faces of my Public Speaking kidlings. That's an early hour for a class, and I would certainly argue that it affects their energy level significantly. Most of my students in this class work part or full time (all but 2!), and take their classes early in the morning and late at night. I can't imagine doing college like that, and I have a new respect for the crappiness of their papers, which they often write on their breaks at work.

One of these students, Caitlin, is a real cute gal. She is perky, quirky, and a bit of an airhead--in an endearing sort of way. I very much enjoy her. In a lag between speeches today, she asked, "Are you friends with the teacher next door?" As it happens, I am. Ben and I did our Master's together. "Is he cool?" Yes. Definitely. Very cool guy. "Oh. Well, I was arguing with one of the students in his class about which one of you is cooler. She was saying that Ben is really cool and that you sound hard, but I was saying that you're really cool and that Ben sounds lame. I guess we were both right and cool people hang out with other cool people. I will tell her so tonight. I love agreeing with people."

One Professor's Fantasy

I love teaching. Really, I do. I love my students--on an individual basis. As a group, they are less than impressive at times and at this point in the semester (somewhere between midterms and finals), they tend to be particularly demanding, immature, and obnoxious. I have had a series of conversations by email or face-to-face this week that have left me speechless or infuriated. I have had to fail three students on assignments or from my class because of plagiarism that they "didn't do on purpose." In one week! So, when a colleague showed me this video today I was simultaneously thrilled and depressed. Friends, family, it's time that you get a sense of what I do for a living. This video depicts not how most professors would respond, but how they would like to. Pardon the (very) adult language.

"What do you mean you don't eat no meat?"

I am grading again. Today's great? The award goes to a speech outline on vegetarianism entitled, "I Eat Mock Meat, but I Don't Eat Meat." I learned a huge statistic from this outline. Did you know that ten billion, twenty-seven million, and nineteen thousand teenagers are slaughtered every minute? I didn't. Behold the evidence (all errors in grammar belong to the original author):

"Half a million teenagers aged 13 to 17 in the United States are vegetarian (Vegetarian Resource Group/Roper Poll, 2000). Furthermore ten billion, twenty-seven million, and nineteen thousand are slaughter and used in an abuse manner every minute."

It's amazing what omitting one word can do for your speech. I have never been more compelled to save teenagers from imminent death from vegetarian slaughter.

Storage Love

I am sad to say that my students have been less entertaining this semester than ever before. I think this is because I am teaching fewer 18 year olds. While the quality of their work and commentary increases, the quantity of my potential blog posts decreases. However, I can always dig up some written gems from the intellectual caverns that I grade.

My students studying relational communication have the assignment to write an advice article. They can choose to write on issues of self-disclosure, attraction, or love and attachment. I am now grading the papers on love or attachment, and the favored theory for their discussion is Lee's "Love Styles." My students really tend to enjoy this theory, as they can now categorize all of their friends-with-benefits into one category or another. The theory puts forth 6 different types of love, and I have a student who has added an additional few.

Lee's Love Styles

Eros - erotic love, characterized by physical/sexual desire and intense romance

Storge - love rooted in friendship and companionship

Ludus - game-playing love

Pragma - practical, need-based love

Mania - obsessive, manic love

Agape - compassionate, sacrificial love

The following three new love styles emerged in my student's paper:

"Euros love is based on physical attraction, storage love is love based on friendships, and louds love is based on games."

Three typos in one sentence. New record.

One of these does not belong...

I have a girl in my class who did her last speech on deforestation in Belize (though she talked about Brazil most of the time). She and her Gothic self seem intrigued by environmental issues, so I was a little surprised to see the combination of two topics that she and her partner suggested for an upcoming persuasive speech.

1. Why recycling will help save the earth

2. Why global warming is a hoax

Any theories to explain such discrepancies?

Writing Faux Pas #1

From a student's paper on attraction:

Being a man, I can speak for myself and mankind by saying physical attractiveness is the initial factor that draws us toward a certain person.

I laughed out loud at this. I'm not sure why it tickled me so much as I have read similar statements from students in the past, but the statement that "I can speak for mankind" is just so outrageously bold. The claim he makes is supported by research (which he does not cite), though the research asserts that sex differences in attraction are not so great as we may think. Men prefer physical attractiveness, but only slightly. Women prefer resources and stability, but only slightly. That this kid could make a claim that he somehow represents all penis-carrying members of the human race is enormously funny to me. Naturally, I wrote a note on his paper indicating the need for inclusive language, an understanding of scientific statistics, etc.

P.S. I don't have to cite my sources because this is a blog. He has to cite them because it's scholarly work. If you'd like to know where the research comes from, I will tell you. Oh, fine. If you insist. You can find a full literature review on attraction in this text:

Guerrero, L. K., Andersen, P. A., & Afifi, W. A. (2007). Close encounters: Communication in relationships (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.

Vocabulary

I learned two new words from students today. The Relational Communication course that I am assisting had an activity in which each student wrote down three traits that attract them to another person. They were told to write their own sex and the preferred sex of their partners. (Most students would just write female or male, rather than female interested in male.) Most responses included such things as "nice body, nice smile, sense of humor, intelligence, athleticism," and so on. A few students were more creative and indicated attraction to religious faith, a lack of neuroses, mental stability in general, and specific political views. From this data, I learned two new words. I here offer the original spelling, but my take on the implied definitions:

1. Conservitivity - the frequent consumption of Fox News and fanaticism for Glenn Beck, coupled with GOP party-line voting and affection for a certain Sheriff (aside: this state is incredibly conservative, with a high population of politically active Mormons)

2. Sportiveness - (1) the frequent consumption of ESPN and fanaticism for treadmills (aside: it is too hot here to be sportive outside);

(2) also, the tendency to be sexually adventurous (etymology: the adjective sportive is derived from the real adjective sporty, which may occasionally be used as slang for sexually adventurous tendencies).

Another Dimension

Today is my first day back as a student and

instructor (at a large southwestern university). As ever, students do not fail to entertain. Today's story comes from my colleague, Gino, who opened his class with an ice breaker called Two Truths and a Lie. Each student stands up and shares two personal facts and one lie that masquerades as a fact. I do this activity with students as well, and it is invariably fascinating to see what they choose to share about themselves. I had a girl one year share the "fact" that she had great legs. (She really did.)

Gino said that as he started the class, he mentioned the applicability of his subject to the "real world." This young lady cut in and said, "Do you really think there's such a thing as 'real'?" Gino replied that he couldn't be sure, that perhaps we all have different perceptions of reality or reality varies with the individual. Nonetheless, he meant something else. As this girl stood up to share her truths and lie, she said, "I have two dogs. I have never left this dimension, and I really like orange juice." Gino crossed his fingers and hoped that she loathed orange juice. However, this student evidently has experienced interdimensional travel and proceeded to explain to the class about how all people may experience up to (but no more than) 18 dimensions. Most of us have already been to at least two of them--we just didn't know it.

Welcome back to the school year!

Redemption

My students have effectively redeemed their cheating hearts by writing fantastic semester reviews for me. My main strengths, according to them, are enthusiasm, engaging the class, and turning "the whole big group of us into BFFs." They often listed my weaknesses as "nothing" (ha!), though I did have one or two students assert that I "too obviously play favorites." Fair enough. There exists not one teacher in the world who views all of her students with equal pleasure. However, I do not believe that the grades reflect such favoritism. I will just as happily give my favorite students a C as an A. I had other students say that my advanced class was the most valuable they took in their time at the university, then balanced with the claims of a first year student who said, "The least valuable part of this class was every day."

But the est ego-boosting, giggle-inducing comment was: "She was very knowledgeable and very helpful. And it didn't hurt that she was also very beautiful." Thank you, anonymous student, for not noticing the weight I gained while writing my thesis. Blessings to you, your children, and your children's children.

What Graduate School Does

After graduating and moving, I committed myself to doing nothing until my Ph.D. program starts. I have been fervently sticking to that resolution by walking around downtown Santa Barbara aimlessly and reading classic works of fiction in one to two days. I fear, however, that my academic sensibilities have not yet left me for the summer. I had a moment today of realizing the twisted things that graduate school can do to your mind. Upon reading the above cartoon, I thought, "Tee hee, that's funny... but oddly resonant. Isn't it fascinating how themes and symbols can extend meaning throughout history?" I then started drawing models/maps of fantasy stories that shared themes and symbols, namely Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia. I am now looking for writing that explains why goblins, white stags, dragons, etc. appear in all of those to invoke a message of the smallest figure (Harry, Bilbo & Frodo Baggins, four children) struggling to overcome a great darkness. My questions run as such: what is the origin of these symbols, in what great works do they exist, and what factors explain the continued appeal? Sigh. Rather than just enjoying a clever cartoon, I took it just a little too far. Oh graduate school, you bourgeois institution, shame on you for raining on my sunny parade!

Cheater, Cheater/Student Email of the Week

Liar, liar, pants on fire. Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater. I see London, I see France, I see 2/3rds of my students' underpants! Wait... I'm not sure the last rhyme has anything to do with academic integrity, but I do see their colorful thongs and boxers reasonably often. I also see some colorful lies. I have had to deal with plenty of cheating at the school I am about to leave, but the latest scandal caps them all. It also lacks no color whatsoever, for color requires cleverness.

The basic course (Public Speaking) has about 1200 students in it at any given semester. They are divided up into a large lecture and small sections. I teach 2 small sections, and this semester had about 50 students in that course. My other students were at the advanced level. The other Graduate Teaching Associates and I administered a standardized final to all of the sections (60?) this week. Very clear and obvious evidence has emerged that about 1/2, maybe 2/3rds of our students cheated on the final. 600 students!

Evidently, a student took one version of the exam (we switch the questions and answers around, but change no words) on Friday, captured pictures of every page on a camera phone, and emailed it out via Blackboard to a huge number of students. And they used it. All of them. And they were idiotic enough not to change up the answers they missed. So, when several GTAs observed that their students were consistently missing 4-6 questions and that they were all questions 7, 33, 35, 36, 48, and 52, we started getting angry.

We have since pulled the final exam from the students' grades and will be failing anyone caught, which I expect will be close to half of my class. After a threatening email to my classes, I received this (one!) letter of admission this morning:

I was sent the email with the final and used it to study off of along with the study guide notes and clicker questions. I’m appalled by my actions because of my need to achieve a high grade. The need for an “A” outweighed my morals, which is a stupid reason to cheat. I truly feel guilty and sorry about my actions.

Right. And that guilt is why you didn't come forward before taking the exam? I am angry and insulted by the lack of integrity that my students have shown. While I understand the temptation to get a good grade, they were given every available ethical tool to succeed in my class. What happened? Three things impress me in this process: 1) how morally impoverished these kids can be, 2) how stupid they can be, and 3) how cowardly. The last one dawned on me when I realized that out of the 600-1200 students who may have received the photographed final days before they took the exam, not a single one came forward to say, "Hey, Teach, just thought you should know...." Way to keep your flag flying high!

I Thought You'd Never Ask...

Today was my last day of teaching at San Diego State. I still have to administer final exams to my kidlings, but today was the day of review and a short speech of appreciation for my students. Before my second section started today, I was chatting with a few of the students about summer plans and the like. One asked me this question in his gutteral football voice:

G: "Teacher, can we still bring in books for the book drive?"

Me (giggling): "Did you just call me Teacher? Like I'm a kindergarten teacher?"

G (minorly embarrassed): "Yeah. What are we supposed to call you? Lauren?"

Me: "Yes. I said that on the first day of class, and your classmates have called me that all semester."

G: "Why can't I call you Professor or Dr. Amaro?"

Me: "Because I am neither of those things yet."

Another student piped up.

J: "You're asking her this on the last day of class?"

G: "Yeah. I mean, I thought I should find out."

Glad you did, Student. Glad you did. It's well worth adding that this student is the same student to sketch the epic little image on his quiz, pictured a few posts down.

I must say that I am happy to conclude this chapter at SDSU. I have learned a lot about the nature of teaching and myself as a teacher. I think the students that I taught here will always have a bit of a special spot for me, both for the lessons I learned and for their utterly laughable behavior. I am sure, however, that I will find another bunch of brilliant scholars awaiting me at my next school in the fall. There's that certain je ne sais quoi about state schools that provides such delightful fodder for a blog. Looking forward to the next chapter (and the intercalary chapter in which I do nothing but read on the beach in Santa Barbara)!

Stating the Obvious

I sat alone in my office today making minor edits to my thesis, happy to have passed my defense yesterday. My officemate had told his students to drop papers off on his desk in his absence. Over two hours, a stream of 18 year olds intermittently came to my office and I had the following conversation at least 5 times.

Student: Is Ben here?

Me (smiling?): Do you see him?

Student: No.

Me: Do you need to leave something for him?

Student: Is he going to be here?

Me: I don't know. Are these his office hours?

Student: Don't you know his schedule?

Me: No.

Student: When do you think he will get here?

Me (starting to get irritated): Sorry, but I don't know. Do you need to leave something for him?

Student: Yeah. He told us to leave stuff on his desk. Do you know if he's on campus?

Me (pointing): Well, there it is. And no, I don't.

Student: Ok. Do you know when he's going to get this?

Me (totally irritated): Sorry, no.

Encouragement

One of the main things that I teach is conquering insecurities. I suppose it's not always conquering as much as hiding, but learning the art of public speaking requires the development of an authentically confident persona. My students know this and work hard on it. My advanced students concentrate very hard on perfecting their presentation style. I admire them for it. I especially appreciate them when they write peer evaluations, which they do after each speech. They select one partner at the beginning of the semester and write a one page evaluation for each speech, addressing the strengths and weaknesses they observed. This group of students never fails to impress me with their kindness to each other. They understand the difficulty of standing in front of others and exposing their ideas, so they are intentional about offering support. I love it. Their encouragement of each other encourages me, and I hope it encourages you (to encourage others!). These are things we would all like to hear more often, I think. Here are two choice snippets from their evals on impromptu speeches.

"This was definitely your break out speech; you surprised us all by going first and owning the stage that you were on. Continue to be confident in yourself and know that you can deliver a speech very nicely."

"Your speech was easily the best of the impromptu speeches. Your delivery was smooth and thoughtful. You articulated the main points and reasons in a sincere and engaging manner. Your tone and sincerity on the topic of your mother added an emotional element that we had yet to see in this class from any speech."

So, for as much as I tease my students here, they are really good kids. Sometimes they don't let me see that and cover up the sweetness with colorful conversations. They can teach each other as much as I can teach them, and I like to see that in action. It's something to remember as we interact with each other each day. Our encouragement can enable other people to face fears and grow.

P.S. One of my students always writes his peer evaluations for Katie. We have no Katies in the class. His partner's actual name is Kelly. I correct him on every evaluation, but to no avail. :)

Quiz #5

I gave the last quiz of the semester to my students today. I asked two questions, each worth 3 points. First, name the three levels of confirmation in interpersonal conflict. Then, give a practical example of each. The was one of the answers I received.

Attention Grabbers

I teach my students to open their speeches with some sort of intriguing hook. They are not permitted to begin with, "Hello, my name is" or "Today I will talk to you about," as most people (including the person grading them) tune out immediately upon those words. I encourage them to open with a brief quote, story, skit, statistic, or any other device that enables them to gain attention. Below is what a group of students proposed as an attention grabber for their next persuasive speech on cleaning up our beaches.

"Imagine a family trip to the beach. Your little sister is wading out joyfully into the water. You look away for a few moments, engaged in a conversation with your parents. When you look back, her dead body is floating in the ocean, ensnared by a plastic six pack ring. Except you are a turtle. This is how turtles feel daily."

Never Ask a Teacher...

...if you missed anything important. Do you think we are there for your entertainment? Do you think that we prefer the smell of white board marker to the cologne-free, open air at the beach?

And with that, I give you my student email of the week. All typographical and grammatical offenses belong to the original author.

Hi this is B------ I'm sorry that i didn't come to class today but let's just say that it was because of incidents out of my control. I'm not going to go too in detail but let's just say that blood was involved. Anyway just wanted to know if there was a way that i could maybe make up the quiz and ask if i missed anything important. Thanks and have a nice weekend.

Narcissism in Action

A lot of talk has been running around the academic community about narcissism. Recent research suggests that Generation Y/the Millennials/Gen Me (kids born between 1981 and the early 2000s) are becoming increasingly narcissistic. Given that I am both a member of this generation and a teacher of its younger (and TOTALLY more narcissistic) members, I feel especially prepared to dissertate on this topic. We tend to think of narcissists as having enormous egos. They do, but there's more to it than that. They also believe that they are entitled to all privilege, are never wrong, and deserve lenience in all circumstances. That is not the clinical definition, but it is what I see on a regular basis in my otherwise good-hearted students. To help you understand, here's a clear example.

Last night at 8:00 and 10:00 I received two outlines from girls who were to give speeches today. Their outlines were due a week and a half ago--before Spring Break. They asked me if I could give them constructive criticism before their speeches today, though they "did not expect any points." I had already spent about 8 hours of my Spring Break grading these outlines, so I was not keen to look at any more. I also had plans last night, so I did not reply to the emails or comment on their late papers on the spot. Without feedback, the young ladies gave their speeches today. They approached me--nay, they confronted me--after class.

Student 1: "Did you get my email last night?"

Me: (significantly) "The one at 10:00?"

Student 1: "Yes."

Me: "Yes, I received it."

Student 1: "Why didn't you comment on it?"

Me: "..." (blank stare, mouth open)

Student 1: (expectant look)

Me: "I go to bed around 10:30. I had plans last night. You cannot possibly expect me to be able to get to that. If I could have, I would have, but that's pretty late."

Student 2: (hopefully) "But I sent mine at 8:00!"

Student Email of the Week

My Advanced Public Speaking kids were given an assignment to prepare a speech that briefs us on a current sociopolitical event. Topics were due to me via email today. This is what I received:

I would like my topic to be over the current Verizon vs at&t i phone. I looked for a while and couldn't find much that interested me or that had enough information. If you don't like this topic you can just give me a topic that you wanted covered that no one is doing, Thanks My response was this: If you can't find enough information on the plethora of important news stories out there or can't seem to engage yourself in world events, that's something that you might consider adjusting. I am not going to do your work for you by telling you a topic to do. You need to find something that you can care about, which means maybe opening your heart and mind to issues outside of your bubble. Some obvious suggestions: reconstruction in Haiti or Chile (what's going on, what is being done), an explanation of US relations to Pakistan and how we should think about that, etc. I recommend that you go to a world news site like BBC and click through the global concerns. These are big issues, and we have the responsibility to care about them because they affect other humans. You strike me as a person interested in equality and compassion, so when you tell me that you just aren't that interested, I would suggest that you need to get out of Spring Break lazy mode and do some more work. My diatribe evidently worked, because he is now discussing the exploitation of Malaysian migrant workers. Sometimes yelling on email is the most effective way to teach.

Titles: An Artform

I have learned that titling a paper well is (or must be, anyway) a developmental issue. That is, the younger my students are, the weaker their titles. I do not mind this. Grading outlines becomes, as ever, a highly amusing activity. Here are a few samples:

Breathe: The Suffocation of Hip Hop

translation: I'm a white kid trying to be gritty.

Beer: It Looks Good, It Tastes Good, It Treats You Good

translation: I'm giving this speech to be popular.

What Hemp Really Is: The Miracle Crop

translation: I really love pot.

Yo, Teach

There have been few moments in my life in which I have been speechless. I mean, really. I'm a "Commie." Any self-respecting communication scholar has something to say about most issues. While my students often give me cause to pause, I am usually able to respond with reasonable articulation.

Not today.

I played a game with my students in class designed to eliminate the "um, like, you know" plague. All students were seated in a horseshoe, and one would stand in the open space in the "hot spot." They would be peppered with personal or trivia questions from each student in the horseshoe to throw them off and cause them to stumble in their speech. Their project was to get through each member of the class without using a disfluency. Most students had a great time with this. We had quite a few awkward "would you rather..." questions, one or two variations of "If you had to be bald for the rest of your life to save mine, would you do it?", and the occasional "List three countries that start with M."

I have two male students that I entirely appreciate. They are smart-mouthed, goofy, and pretty geeky. They are funny kids, and they have started to call me "Teach," usually pronounced with a Brooklyn accent. One of them stood in the "hot spot" today and got all the way through the class to the third to last person, his friend. This one, certain that he would throw off the speaker, rattled off with a blank face, "Favorite sexual fantasy?" As I was forming my face into the the"Teach is disappointed in your inappropriateness" look, the one speaking said without hesitation, "Teach" and jerked his thumb in my direction.

Speechless. I mean, really. Apart from awkwardly laughing and pretending like nothing happened, what would you have said to a full class of tittering 18 year olds?